It's 12:25 AM in Tennessee and I cannot sleep for some reason. I slept in extremely late today but I am tired I am in my bed and I can't seem to fall asleep. I am watching Khloe & Lamar on television because yes I must admit that I am totally in love with the Kardashians.
OK change of topic...so last night I tried to kind of clean some old baggage. I had this friend that I had a crush on and we were really good friends. We even were good friends after he found out about it, of not better but he graduated a year before me and then it was as if it never happened. So I want to say like it didn't matter to me but it hurt a lot and anyway I just deleted him from my phone, Skype, and Facebook. I feel kind of childish doing it but at the same time I think I had to because if I didn't there was always this temptation on my part to call, text, Skype or chat him and I shouldn't be the only one trying to save our friendship. Plus every time he logs on to Skype my computer tells me (it does it for everyone but still) and I feel something I get like this little jump or pulse and it hurts because its not like he will say hi or anything to me.
Most of the hurt I would like to believe is because the friendship isn't the same but it is also because I liked him but I have no choice but to move on and I really want to.
I don't know if talking about this is going to help me fall asleep but I need to and wanted to. Part of me feels like I can't really talk to my friends anymore. All these people I called my friends I have not made the effort to really stay in contact with and vice versa and the ones I do call seem to never pick up which is also a little hurtful.
If you are following any of my blogs you should know that I am in Tennessee now and I have met a bunch of great people. I am scared or nervous that the same thing is going to happen again. I make great friends here and by the time the summer is over and I leave it will all be over.
I think I need to put forth an effort to really hold onto my friendships at least if I put in the effort and it does not work then I know it was not meant to last but I should put in the work I think that will be another goal of mine and hopefully my large circle of friends will stay intact instead of drifting and changing as often as I do.
Much love till next time,
I'm Ciggy and hopefully I will get to sleep!!